By Cathy Williams, MSW, LCSW, CEAP
Enabling takes place when a person puts others’ needs ahead of their own. The term “enabling” originated in Alcoholics Anonymous and can happen with gamblers, food, sex and internet addicts. Many times, people who enable grew up in families where their needs were not met.
People who enable are typically referred to as codependents. Codependents may be family, friends, coworkers or supervisors. Codependents often have a high need for approval, a need for control, poor boundaries and unstable relationships.
Enablers provide money, avoid confronting issues and may bail addicts out of jail. When an enabler engages in these behaviors, they prevent natural consequences for the other person’s actions. For example, a spouse may call in sick to work for their partner who is intoxicated. A person who enables can develop low self-esteem from lying, not feeling appreciated or doing all of the giving.
Codependent relationships can develop in the workplace. Relationships may be enmeshed and toxic with unclear boundaries. Codependents may get stressed out at work due to taking on too many responsibilities.
Managers can enable by making excuses for employees with performance issues. For example, instead of confronting the issue they will say the employee just has too much stress at home. Managers may ignore problems, reassign the employee or try counseling the employee them self. It is helpful for managers to consult with BJC EAP in these situations.
The good news is you can recover from codependency. Start by being more comfortable saying no. When you start to say no, it is likely you will receive a negative response. Assertiveness training can help you learn to communicate in a firm manner. Also, focus on taking care of yourself. Helpful activities include exercising, hobbies, meditation, healthy eating and avoiding alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. Keep the following thoughts in mind as you work toward recovery: you can only change yourself, healthy relationships have a balance of give and take, you can't control others, ask for help if you need it.
There are support groups for codependency: Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alateen, Gam-Anon (gambling) and CoSLAA (sex addiction). It is helpful to know that you are not alone and to learn how other people cope with this difficult situation. Counseling can be helpful to work on issues of self-esteem, emotions, denial and excessive focus on others.
BJC EAP is an excellent resource for you and your family. We also assist managers in dealing with difficult workplace issues that could be related to codependency. Call 314.729.4030 or toll free at 888.505.6444.