By Tom Gonzalez, PhD, LPC, LCPC

Marriage counseling? For us? Many couples find themselves struggling with the thought of marriage counseling when things in their lives are not going as well as they thought they would.

What happens when a couple goes to marriage counseling? The answer to this question varies with the couple and the approach of the counselor.

An effective approach can begin with a couple meeting together and then individually with a counselor. This step is often followed by completion of a marital self-evaluation, an important exercise that provides the counselor and the couple information about important elements of the marriage, including:

• Understanding individual and mutual goals
• Providing encouragement
• Listening to, recognizing and understanding your spouse’s feelings
• Honest and open communication
• Resolving conflict
• Spending quality time together

A counselor can the help the couple by educating each partner about marital pitfalls such as power struggles, unfulfilled needs for attention, ways to deal with feelings of inadequacy and healthy responses to a partner's painful words or deeds. The next step is to place an emphasis upon healthy and positive marital behaviors such as encouragement, cooperation, positive contributions and responsible behavior.

In Time for a Better Marriage, Jon Carlson, PsyD, and Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., PhD, suggest that a couple should engage in an enhanced sense of connection to each other by completing these activities:

• Writing a marriage mission statement
• Having daily dialogue 
• Planning and conducting encouragement meetings
• Having encouragement days 
• Planning occasional marriage meetings

A fun and helpful first step for a couple to reconnect is with the way things often start -- a “date night.”

If you are interested in marriage counseling, please contact BJC EAP for additional information or to schedule an appointment.